Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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