woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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