she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
