there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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