he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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