My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
