Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
