for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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