If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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