If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
