One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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