I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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