Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well I just put wine in my tea
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
