mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
