**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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