So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Randomize
