I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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