I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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