hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
