You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
