hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
