I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
