dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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