I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I will pee on everything he values.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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