Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
