Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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