Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
