I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
