I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have poison ivy on my dick
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".