I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.