I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
