i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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