I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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