dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
