she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
