Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
