this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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