Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
