I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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