I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
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WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
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you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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