I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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