yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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