My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
