there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
