Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
