his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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