I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
