if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my shit smells like andre
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
