I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
