based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
