He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
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YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
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You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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