Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
