So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We left the knife in your bed.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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