i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize