So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
