Christians are straight up FREAKS
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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