Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
