hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
should my penis look like a turkey
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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