I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
