"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
