This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
