I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
you will always have a special place in my vag
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
